I’ve been searching for a way to explain what it is like to live in a body that doesn’t want to live for quite some time now, but I can never seem to find the right words. It’s not an easy thing to explain. I can come up with al the metaphors, all the similes I want, yet none of them are ever good enough. They don’t even come close.
I thought of one today. I think of them all the time actually. That’s what you do when you’re constantly struggling to find the right explanation; struggling to find something that someone, anyone else will understand. Even just a little. Anyways, I one I thought of today has to do with a baby.
Think of this baby as your body. It doesn’t understand you, so you can’t tell it what to do. It’s got a mind of its own, a personal agenda and set of needs, and boy is it needy. So imagine you’re holding this tiny little human. It’s screaming and it won’t stop. You don’t know why and that’s terrifying. You’re trying everything you can think of to make the screaming stop, but you can’t. It just keeps on and on. It’s exhausting and frustrating, but you still have to be gentle and kind and slow because, after all, it’s just a baby. That’s kind of how I think of my body except the screaming is its immune system and cells attacking it and there is no known cure. You just keep waking up each day more tired than you were the time before. Of course, the doctors will try and compensate for the fatigue with drugs, up those when they stop working, and eventually find a new kind when the old kind can no longer be upped. It’s a complete and utter nightmare. And really, no one knows whether this cocktail of chemicals you’re religiously swallowing is doing you more harm than good, but it’s a gamble you’re willing to take for the sheer sake of feeling even just a tiny bit better. They’ll do this with all of your symptoms. Pain though, now that one is difficult, because you’re probably just a drug seeker so they’ll limit your options and along with it the potential to wake up with less pain and more normalcy. Oh, and your thinning hair is falling out because you’re starving. You know this because your intake of your liquid only diet is almost zero and you’re losing weight, but not enough weight that your doctors are freaking out yet so instead you’re just stuck waiting until your blood and urine indicate that you are in fact starving so that someone will help you. Your nerves are on fire and your muscles are dying. YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD AND YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF BED OR GO TO SCHOOL OR WORK OR BE NORMAL AND IT IS ABSOLUTE HELL. You live in a body that is screaming in agony all the time.
I live in a body that is screaming in agony all the time and there is hardly anything you or anyone else can do to fix it. That’s what I came up with today. It’s messy, but so is this life I am stuck in. As I am typing this out, my arms feel like they are being stabbed with a thousand needles and I’ve had to get up twice to run and throw up in the school bathroom. To be honest all I’ve kept down is some juice and I’ve taken more prescription drugs than I can count today. Yet I went to class and worked on my homework. Even more importantly, I got up and got dressed and had a good fucking day because my heart and my soul feel that it’s awesome to be alive, even though my body wants to die.