Sick Sad

I’m stuck in a hole and I don’t know how to get out of it. Rather, I’ve been stuck and I have tried almost everything to get out of it. No matter what I do or how hard I try, there is always the deep, dark unique sadness that comes with life-changing, life-altering, life-limiting illness. And it’s always there. No matter how happy I am in the moment or how much positivity I attempt to emit or how many people I try to surround myself with.

It’s a sickness that makes you sad.
It’s a sadness that makes you sick.
It’s a never-ending downward spiral and it has one hell of a grip.
Sick sad.

Most times it’s just there underneath, lurking like some monster of the sea, but other times it’s the ocean itself; it’s surf¬†overwhelming everything in its path and leaving its exhausted victims to be continually beat unto the shoreline.

I guess the real issue, for me, is that no one really seems to be talking much about it…And why would they. It hurts to talk about and to think about. No one wants to have to constantly consider the pain of another human being. But ignoring the fact that this type of suffering exists isn’t okay either. Ignorance hurts too.

So let’s start talking about the deeper and more difficult emotions that come hand in hand with illness.

I know I’m going to.

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H O S P I C E

I would like everyone who wants to understand the effects of illness or, wants to feel heard or understood as a sick person to listen to the Hospice album by The Antlers whilst reading the lyrics. It is powerful, moving, and the closest thing I have found to both explaining and understanding this experience as well as the intense amount of grief and loss that has filled my life.

It it my life source and I plan to get a tattoo of the hands holding my upper spine with the date of my own diagnosis on the bracelet when I am able. It means the entire world to me.

Please listen. Please try to make an attempt to understand. I am begging you.