Self Love

I haven’t written a post in a while now, so I thought I’d try to explain my absence from the internet world and real world alike. As many of you may know I have been struggling with motility issues that have caused the worst six month bout of nausea and vomiting I’ve ever experienced. I have gone from my healthy weight of 115 to sitting in the mid 90’s. The worst thing about this is that I don’t look all that unhealthy when you see me on my rare venture out of the house. Unless you pull out a photo of what I looked like this time last year or, even, this time six months ago. I’ve lost around twenty pounds and with it my capacity to think properly, be present, drive, or do just about anything that requires me to physically or mentally exert myself in any way.

Now, I have always been a very tiny human, but I also strive to be a healthy one. Standing an inch over five feet, my once muscular gymnast body got comfortable weighing a very healthy and happy 115 pounds. Needless to say, rapidly dropping down to 95 in six short months (that’s 20 pounds people) is not okay with me or my body. I am unable to keep down food on most days simply due to the debilitating nausea I have come to live with. Zofran of the highest doses can’t keep this stomach in check and medical marijuana has become my new best friend. Try to think back to the last time you had the stomach flu. Horrible right? This “stomach bug” never went away. On the days when I do eat, I spend my nights with an angry and often times abusive stomach, reinforcing to my sensory overloaded brain that maybe not eating is the solution. Cue the lack of appetite now. But anyone who knows me understands my love affair with food and that I once worked my ass off to not only gain weight, but gain muscle. And I apologize to the doctor who said, “Are you sure you just don’t want to gain weight?,” but you simply are wrong about me.

So, you can understand my frustration when I finally have to give up on trying to wear my favorite pair of jeans because they won’t stop falling down or when the woman working the fitting room at that store took one glance at me before blurting out, “I wish I were that skinny.” No. No, you don’t. I wouldn’t wish what this “skinny” is on my worst enemy. Remember that weight issues exist across the board and that no matter how much you are wishing for something or how hard you are working for something, you just do not need to comment on anyone else’s weight, or appearance for that matter, unless you are the doctor and they are your patient. Remember that you cannot make yourself feel better by cutting down others and that you, in turn, cannot make others feel better by cutting down yourself. Remember that self-love and body positivity are some of the most valuable kinds of love we have to offer. Remember that we can never truly know what another person is struggling with and for this reason maybe it would be better if that woman had simply said, “Hey, those pants look great on you.”

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